Kirtyhoo

This is a re-enactment of a crime that took place at our house on the evening of April 5^th between 10:45 p.m. and midnight. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.

 

Kelsey enters stage right into dark TV room where Tyler and I are watching Michael Clayton.

 

KELSEY: Umm, is the green bag still in the back of the car? I think my blue flip flops are in it.

 

ME: I think so. Just be sure you lock the car when you’re done.

 

Kelsey exits stage left. Door opens. Kelsey goes outside. Sound of footsteps. Car lights on. Sound of car door shutting and footsteps approaching. Kelsey re-enters the house, shuts the door and enters stage left.  

 

KELSEY: Found them! (exits stage right)

 

Five minutes later, Kelsey re-enters stage right.

 

KELSEY: I don’t think I locked the car. I’m going to check.

 

ME: (sounding slight annoyed) Didn’t I ask you to lock the car?

 

ME TO ME: This is weird. Since when has Kelsey been so attentive to ensuring that the car is locked? Something’s up. Just be patient. Don’t let on to this suspicious behavior. You’re a genius parent not to mention… you were so much better about sneaking out when you were in high school

 

Door opens and shuts. Kelsey goes outside. Sound of footsteps. Ding of car alarm being set remotely. Door opens and Kelsey appears from stage left.

 

KELSEY: Got it. (and exits stage right)

 

ME: Thanks.

 

Less than five minutes later, Kelsey re-enters stage right.

 

KELSEY: Oh. I guess Hailee forgot her mitt at school. I told her she could borrow my old one. I think it’s in the back of the car. I’ll grab it. Be right back.

 

ME TO ME: Oh yes, something is definitely up. Since when did Kelsey become so helpful – and at 11 o’clock at night? Don’t make eye contact. Just be cool and casual.

 

ME: Oh, ok – just remember to lock the car.

 

Kelsey exist stage left. Door opens and shuts. Kelsey goes outside. Sound of footsteps. Car light goes on. Headlights appear and vanish. Second set of headlights appear and quickly go dark. Dark shadows appear and run across the street towards our house and the car.

 

ME TO ME: Told you. Either Kelsey is completely innocent and simply in the wrong place and we’re about to be robbed and my precious teenager is outside all by herself! Or, those are teenage boys and they’re running toward my daughter – and she’s outside in the dark all by herself — and she’s thinking that I’m a complete dumbass and oblivious to everything going.

 

ME: Not on my watch.

 

I exit stage left. Open the door – no time to close – just leave it wide open. Flip on the outdoor light – the one with the big spotlight that until now, I completely hated Wes for installing – but now understand the genius behind it – and walk toward the end of the driveway.

 

As I approach the end of the driveway, I see shadows running and hear car doors slamming. The dark car across the street comes alive and takes off. I walk around the back end of the Mountaineer and there they are. Standing there, hugging. 

 

ME: Kelsey!

 

KELSEY: Mom! Robbie just…

 

ME: You two can finish your conversation in the house. Now!

 

I turn. Walk back to the house. Close the door behind me and wait.

 

Sound of footsteps running towards the house. Kelsey opens the door and enters.

 

KELSEY: Mom. Robbie and Patrick were at McDonalds and decided to come by and say hi. I didn’t even know. (nervous laugh) I was just out getting the mitt and then they just showed up.

 

ME: (extend hand towards Kelsey with palm up) Phone.

 

Without saying a word, Kelsey hands over her cell.

 

ME: You can go to your room now.

 

DIRECTOR’S NOTE: This is where you can either completely freak out or try a genius parental move that I call – Less is More. My mother would have called it the Silent Treatment. By not freaking out and not lecturing the child on the dumbass move they just pulled, you begin to seriously freak them out. It extends the pain and leaves them alone to think about the situation – and wonder if they’re about to get grounded for life. It’s brilliant. Requires less energy. And will work in 90% of all cases.

 

Walking to my bedroom, I walk into the master bath where Wes is holed up, working on our latest renovation project – and completely oblivious to the excitement that just transpired.

 

ME: (handing the phone to Wes and saying in a cool, casual voice) Just caught your daughter outside in the dark with boys. (turn, walk away and exit stage right)

 

WES: KELSEY!