I knew is was coming yesterday when you starting napping. You laid down on the couch early afternoon and you didn’t get up except to go to bed. Now you’re there and will be for days. You only get up to go to the bathroom, get something to drink and when I coax you with food. I know what’s coming. It’s always the same. You sleep. You’re restless. Then you get mean. We stay out of your way and try not to irritate you more. And then you slowly start coming out of the fog and everything’s fine again. Betting that you’ll be out of bed by Wednesday and back to normal by Thursday this time.
I hate when you get like this. It’s been going on for years, but I still don’t understand it. I just know that each time it happens, I feel like it gets darker and darker. Harder for me to be patient and loving. This is the time when I hate you most and don’t understand why you don’t fight harder. I’ve heard families of addicts ask, “If my mom really loves me, why doesn’t she stop drinking. Doesn’t she see what she’s doing to us?” That’s how I feel. Why can’t you take care of yourself? Why didn’t you take your insulin? Why won’t you get up and take it now? Don’t you care? Don’t you see the darkness you bring over all of us when you get like this? And aren’t you tired of missing things in our lives?
I try to understand. But all I can do now is pray. Pray for God to give me strength to get through this one more time. Pray for the ability to forgive you and and give you grace. But it gets hard. I try to understand and see things from your perspective. I do. But it’s hard.
Just now you were out of bed getting something to drink when I came in from my walk. You looked at me and looked away without saying anything. Going back to your nest leaving me to feel alone again. To pray for strength and to pick myself up. I’m learning that I can’t sit and feel sorry for you or myself or I get sucked in to darkness. It’s hard but I don’t want to live in the dark. I want sunshine and happiness. You want to die.
Is it going to be like this for the rest of my life?
Hey Girly…hang in there. Remember the peaks that come with the valleys. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”…you can do it. We love you! NHB & BS